Spring 2009 in Texas!

Spring 2009; The Way to SXSW


Moon Set
Desert moon. Pale dawn. Granite wall of mountains, dusted with snow. Echoes of waves fade into the recesses of my mind. Ocean salt, barely dried, rinses off in steaming desert hot springs. Eastward bound.

Tucson Rain
Sweet creosote smell in the cool, wet air. Rain splatters on the earth, dropping cold out of the desert sky. Mountains veiled behind transparent grey clouds. I meditate and prepare for massage.

Rooftop Yoga
Marfa is a tiny west Texas town, not far from the border, that, anomalistically, is an enclave to intellectuals and artists. I arrive after a long day of driving to find Road Trip Nation, a group of college kids traveling the country interviewing people, filming an interview with my friend's wife, an artist. Their last question to her is "If you could give one word of advice to young people what would it be?" There is a pregnant pause while she thinks, and I, without thinking, say "Always use protection." Everyone turns and laughs. Half an hour later I am leading a yoga class to the kids of Road Trip Nation on the roof of their 36 foot RV in downtown Marfa and apparently the whole town has gathered below to watch and take photos. It is absolutely wonderful. There is nothing I love more than teaching yoga. And teaching it spontaneously, on the roof of an RV in heart of a tiny Texas town to a bunch of college kids is about as good as it gets.

I am so inspired by the experience that I realize, once again, that my path is to create, to teach, to share, all the things I know, to help people and to donate the money I make to causes that matter, for health and world peace. This is a life worth living.

And the road goes on forever. Avanti.


Austin Morning
My God, what a lovely Austin morning. The birds are singing, it's sunny but cool and the air smells lovely. I am brewing and drinking premium zuiko tea and feeling the inexplicable but irrepressible joy of simply being alive in the moment. This is the beginning of day three of South By South West and so far it's been non-stop music, in tiny venues, of unbelievable bands, from 11 AM to 2 AM and then up until 4 or 6 AM. The quality of the bands has been stellar:
Fight Like Apes, The Thermals, Ed Harcourt, Chiquita Violenta, Sleepover Disaster, Starfuckers, Glasvegas, Yelle, My Sad Captains, School of Seven Bells, Echo and the Bunnymen, Graham Coxon have been the best so far.
There is nothing like SXSW. Music non-stop for five days, in hundreds of tiny venues across Austin, of the best upcoming bands you'll ever find, playing at their best. And with a little luck, lots of private industry parties and free food. ;-)
Avanti!!!!

Home
I am so happy to be home. So happy about the future. So happy right this moment. So hopeful. So unafraid. There is nothing wrong. Everything is right.
We *will* make the world a better place; that *is* why we're here.

Home is happiness
Sitting in the backyard, drinking homemade chai under the trees in a cold rain and hail storm I feel the warmth of utter happiness that can only be had from being 'home'. Just being near my dad and my brother, waking up in the same bed each morning, going to the Greek Church with my dad on Sunday, all the little pieces of familiarity that fit together to build a structure of stability; it creates a solid happiness. Now, the green trees sway hypnotically in a dance to the wild, cold wind, against storm black morning skies. This is Texas at its best.

Nothing Warms the Soul So Much
Nothing brings a rush of blood to the head and a smile to the soul like a downhill slalom run on a longboard on smooth, empty asphalt on a cold, sunny, bright blue Texas morning. Life vibrates and sizzles in every unfolding of light. Sunlight, bright and shining, illuminates the bright greens of the waving trees, birds twitter and clatter, the cold air caresses the skin; everywhere there is vibrant life, fresh and pure and naked!

Life is light
In this vibrant sunlight is an upwelling of life exploding out of every atom. Into nature we go to drink in this explosion of life. Morning yoga under the trees in cold air and warm sun and shadows and light. Opening and letting go with the breath and perception. Each yoga asana is a building and releasing of energy in a flow of sensation. Life is an explosion of light. Everything that lives sizzles with vibration.

Life is Short
The morning doves are cooing, birds are twittering from everywhere. It's early morning cold with gray skies, pregnant with low, amorphous clouds. My bare skin tingles in the cold and my hair stands erect. I feel alive. I feel alive. I feel such bliss, such joy, such contentment, simply by being here, in this moment, alive, drinking chai and breathing. When in doubt, focus on the breath and let go. Focus on the breath right now and let go. Breathe, and let go. Breathe again and let go. Be here now, focus on the breath, expand and let go.
In the middle of the night, with every dream, with every beating of my heart, a clock is ticking in my chest; each heartbeat is one less, one beat closer to the end of life. Life is short and life is timeless. Life is all we have for now; the rest is uncertain. Only life and death are certain. The rest is speculation and faith.
Our choices are our own, the joy or suffering we experience in our lives is mostly of our own creation; no one else is responsible. There is no one to blame. We decide and we are the masters of our own destiny in this sense. And one other thing is certain about life: Although we choose our own paths, our joy or suffering, in another sense our lives don't belong to us at all. Life is short and we are here, in this life, for the ultimate reason, or goal, of helping others. The goal of this life is to help others.
Our egos scream at us: "Me! Me! Me! Me first! I need more! What about me!" But the ego is deluded. Trying to satisfy the ego is not only impossible but creates the opposite of the intended goal; it creates endless suffering. The greatest veil between our vision and reality is not realizing that real happiness comes from giving to others. That's why having a family is such a wonderful opportunity to experience unconditional love. But compassionate love for strangers, for those we don't know, is an even more liberating form of love because it is more free of ego, of attachment to what is mine.
Life is much too short and the end is not known, each beat of the heart is a death knell for this human body and this personality. Don't wake up dead; then it's too late to save yourself. And no one else will save you but you. Wake up alive and live. Follow your passion in life, find your talent and joy and sacrifice everything to what you love most. Find a way to give, to practice simple generosity and live life now. Every 'lub-dub' of the heart is the sound of a nail being pounded one stroke deeper into your coffin. Live now.
For life! For love!

Inspiration
I feel as much or more inspiration sitting in my backyard watching the trees and clouds moving against the sky than I do in almost any remote or exotic place in the world. I find more penetration into 'Truth' in an honest conversation with Thea than by consulting any oracle or guru. Because there is resonance from the soul and heart, a vibration that is beyond the ego self. Truth is found in communion with those we love unconditionally, and whose very contact make us want to strive to be a better person. Truth is found in communion with others, not alone. Love, ultimately, is all there is. Love is light. Light is life. There is no need to be anywhere; everything is here, now. The heart is a bottomless well of love covered by the veils of ego. Loose the veils and you find the love is always there, inside you, nowhere else. There is nowhere to look outside yourself. Love is an infinite ocean in which we rest always and which exists in our own hearts. It is the underlying foundation, the warp and woof, of the fabric that we see with our outer eyes and call life and reality. There is no lack of it, there is no getting it, it is infinite, we rest in it, it fills us. There is only the delusion created by the ego that we don't have it and that we need to find it outside. This leads to endless suffering. Love is always everywhere; it's what we are. Give it unconditionally and you will experience it unconditionally. Withhold it and you will strangle it. Give love away freely, then it's yours.
Texas Morning
If there is one place on earth that seems to be heaven to me, it is Texas mornings in my backyard. First, it's not really *my* backyard as such; it's my parents'. But home is where the heart is. The air is balmy, the wind blows in waves that make the wind chimes dance and sing in gusts and the wind itself has a voice that comes and goes with its undulations through the tree branches. It speaks like the ocean and the chimes respond, each in their unique voice. Birds of all kinds sing from every direction, doves coo, birds twitter, there are sweet notes, strident calls, melodic, fluid, liquid notes that drop into my ears like honey. And the wind constantly rises and falls, caressing me and waving the tree branches in intricate patterns of leaves and light, green and blue sky. Clouds glaze the sky in the morning, like gauze or cotton spread thin, pulled slowly across the pale blue. The feeling of the wind is so delicious that it is almost overcoming. I just want to lie on my back and slip away into a sensual cocoon of heaven on earth, which I do. And all the while there is my fresh, hot chai, soothing my body, mind and spirit. The sunlight begins to glow, to luminesce, on the leaves of the trees so that the green comes alive with inner light. And the leaves quiver to the pulse of the wind so there is not just green but a flitting of green light and shadow, green light and shadow, as they turn back and forth in the wind. Everything trembles and pulses, radiates, life. This place is the source of life. This place is where I realize the preciousness of light and love and life. And this place is all places, and all places are this place. Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. That is the secret of all that is and all that is not.

What makes Texas mornings so wonderful is that they are different from waking up anywhere else in the world. What I have here, that I have nowhere else in the world, is security, familiarity. I wake up here in a bed, and although it's not really my own bed, because it is my family's house, it *is* my own bed. There is a bathroom, a shower, a kitchen, and there is my dad. My brother is nearby. The people I love the most, my family, are here. There are no strangers, no strange, harsh voices, there is no walking into the desert to dig a hole, or waiting for the sun to heat up a solar shower. This is not someone else's place; it's mine and my family's. There is church on Sunday, things that remind me of my childhood. There are photos of my family, books from childhood, there is my electric guitar and amp, my skateboard, things that I have been separated from for years that used to be the center of my life. There are phones, FAX machines, internet, mail delivered right to the house, a physical address, a place and location where I can be found.

And above all there is this oasis of morning in the backyard under the tree when the world is like the garden of Eden. Everything is perfect and surreal, alive and at peace. Everything is here to soothe me, caress me, relax me, cradle me and rock me. Mornings in the backyard are when the world is fresh and new and my heart melts and the emotion flows again and I feel. In my heart I feel. I feel the love and loss, the joy and sorrow, of a human life passing by quickly into oblivion and I reach out to touch something, to leave something good behind, even as I am pulled away forever from this light. In a hundred years everyone we ever knew or who ever knew us will be dead and forgotten. Life. What is it? The only answer that I can know of for sure is simple yet hard: use this life to do something good for others. That's all we have.

The light bursts forth again onto the leaves, doves coo, the world moves a little further through space and the minute hand drops again, I take one more breath. Time doesn't stop.


Oh What a Beautiful Morning

I'm drinking homemade chai in the backyard feeling happy and I can almost taste adventure in the cold air. Thoughts of hiking across France this Fall bubble up good feelings deep in my gut. Imagine, good wine, baguette, great cheese, speaking French, reading Hemingway, and walking across that beautiful landscape.

Patagonia has been kind enough to send me some gear to use in Alaska which I am ecstatic about, this chai is sensationally delicious and the the results for the stress test for my heart were apparently normal. Everything is coming up roses. Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to get up and hike all day for thirty days across France and then maybe thirty more across Spain?!

Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to be able to afford being back in Europe, hiking, hiking, hiking. This is one of those mornings where you realize anything is possible and everything is wide open before you, just waiting for you to choose. Life is an open book, turn to any page and start getting lost in the story. Or, start writing your own chapter. ;-)

On a morning like this, with this cold, clear air cooling the lungs, what else is there to think about but new adventures, beautiful landscapes calling your name, lying under the starts on a cold night in a warm sleeping bag, tired muscles and sweat at the end of a long day with a pack on your back, the wonderful fatigue and acute hunger brought on by honest exercise and nature?

Bring it on! Bring on the next adventure! If my heart is healthy and my spirit and body strong then bring on the next big adventure!!!!

Avanti! Avanti! Avanti!

Texas Full Moon Slalom

Riding smooth, full-moon suburban asphalt, carving, carving over and over in a Stephford suburb void of all life but the gliding of my wheels, the carving silk of my turns against the pristine and silent, convex decline of asphalt, top to bottom again and again. Full moon suburban ghost town skateboarding; Nowhere else but Texas. Brought to you by the people that brought George Bush and astro turf.

That's a wrap boys, take five. ...and we're out.

I just finished a full moon suburban slalom session on my longboard. it's so like longboard surfing, carving and balance.
Balance is such a wonderful feeling and speed with balance is *such* a beautiful feeling. Gravity and mass lead to three dimensional poetic fun, carving living poetry in the air leaving behind only a ripple in the quantum fabric of that which is.

It is such an absolutely lovely morning here. about 60 degrees, just getting ready to rain, breezy, cool, damp and overcast; absolutely lovely. I am drinking chai of course (but with soy milk this morning and that just doesn't make the grade. chai is a raw whole milk endeavour)

I'd love to write to you if you don't mind and just talk about nature and living life. ah, this breeze feels magnificent. i am barefoot and bare sleeved and the breeze is so nice, the wind chimes, especially the bamboo ones, are making such a nice sound, birds calling, but more subdued than usual because of the imminent rain.

When i sit out here in the morning i am so happy and the world is at my fingertips just waiting for me to come and fulfill my dreams. i called a place here in san antonio called transplantsforchildren.org, and explained that i wanted to create yoga programs for kids in children's hospitals etc and donate the money. so i am working with them Saturday teaching yoga, meditation and communication skills to children and their siblings with life threatening injuries who need or have had transplants. I am happy about this. somehow i love more than anything, giving my knowledge as a gift, not for money. I do need to find some money of course, but i don't want my passion to get convoluted with a need for making money. i have created a new program called forever young aimed at helping the average American live a healthy lifestyle to prevent disease and create peace. it's a synthesis of yoga, Ayurveda, Tibetan Buddhism, with a focus on generosity and compassion and is a practically oriented program. this is what i want to bring to the world now; i just don't know how to reach the world to bring it to them. which is frustrating.

the job in AK which seemed so great at first, may be turning out to be a Cadmean victory; i just don't know if buying a ticket for 1200 bucks and trying to pre-purchase and mail five months of food to myself is going to be worth the trouble for me or the NPS. I am getting cold feet.

Meanwhile, my hermetic existence here is unusual in the sense that there are no peers for me to share with and no contact really. The daily routine has been trying to jump through the hoops of getting an NPS job while more and more feeling the pressure of watching my savings evaporate under the pressure of American mainstream living and wondering how to restock my coffers so i can go back to my life, whatever that may be, surfing, hiking France, bringing my program to the world, or all of the above. i need money, i need a job. (in case you have any ideas)

I feel like i have (at least in some facets) been transported back to age 14 because I am 'living' at my family's house (for a month) riding my skateboard, getting high, playing my electric guitar (turned up to '11' ) ;-) everyday for my 'fun'. of course the bulk of the day is an ever-growing level of stress due to an ever-growing list of things that are piling up, (i won't bore you with the actual pile) ;-)
But i keep flashing back to the thought that i am living the same life i lived at 14, skateboards, electric guitars, getting high while my parents are at work, and grudgingly doing the 'mainstream' things i have to do to make myself not be a completely round piece in a square puzzle hole. (the rain is falling softly now and it's so lovely) the only difference is at 14 i had all my friends to hang out with and now it's just me baby. ;-)

I love the calm of being here in the mornings, and i love being near my family, going to church with my dad because it makes him happy and i do like the people at church and the priest, probably because it brings back childhood memories. (he and i have had some good discussions. he actually came over here to talk with me and got so passionate in our talk that he said 'i'm taking off my collar now and talking to you not as a priest.' ;-) i had sent him an email 'contesting' the part of the service where he says something like 'we pray for our armed forces, for our leader, etc etc etc.' (this was the last time i was here when bush was still the pres at Christmas time) my point was that 'god' was above all nationalism and if we prayed for our president and troops we needed to equally pray for the Iraqis and the rest of the world. he got very hot under the collar about that and took it off and said 'they attacked us first!' it was interesting to see him react. ah, the church, the church, how little it has to do with anything other than the perpetuation of itself and *its* dogma. so little to do with Jesus actual message. the church's main concern is survival and perpetuation of the church, that *our*church is right and the rest are wrong. we are the ones, and we are the only ones.

that might have been a tangent. ;-)

my passion now is to create this program and bring it to the world and my need is to not run out of money which i will do within a month or two. hence, time to bring home the bacon. what i dream of here on these cold mornings, listening to trains clacking down the tracks, the birds, the wind, the whirring of the leaves in the breeze, is, oddly, not surfing right now, but of hiking across France. specifically France. not even the sierra, but France. i don't even know why exactly. it's just a dream. like the dream that brought me to turkey as you'll find out when you read the story. (i went to turkey because i came home one day to my house on the south coast of England, near Brighton, after a freezing cold hike in a deluge of icy rain and wind and black skies, to turn on the TV, do a hit out of the hookah, and the first thing that came on the screen was a scene of people, some kind of quaint looking peasant folk with bundles of firewood on their backs, hiking along a high plain with a beautiful mountain in the background. At the sight of that scene, perhaps because i was high, present, in the moment, for whatever reason, the scene called me so strongly i said 'i HAVE to be there, right there, in that scene.' and it turned out to be mt. Ararat turkey and i got my ticket and within four months or so i was standing exactly, exactly, where that camera shot had been taken! oh, and for the record, those very same peasant folk were there when i got there and they swarmed me and my girlfriend and pulled us apart and put her on a pony cart and tried to run away with her. not joking. it was chaotic. they turned out to be the charming Kurds. )

France has called to me since i was about 20 and hiking across France has been an unrealized dream for years. and because of the camino it gives me a goal and a reason for hiking across France. and i can learn french. it all comes down to getting a job or making money to be able afford to go, and of course the euro crashing.

Patagonia sent me more gear to test, a lightweight R4 top and an awesome R1 hoody, just awesome. so i am stoked to go test it.

OK, time to rock my world and get my groove on, if such a thing exists in Texas. thanks for giving me a space to write.

ciao,

Phoenix

--
My Favorite Mistake
I used to think it was a terrible mistake that my parents live in Texas instead of California, (or almost anyplace *but* Texas) But especially after my last trip to India there is no place in the world I'd rather be, early in the morning, before it gets light, in the months of March and April, when the birds are just waking up in cacophonies of bird symphony, and the breeze is light and cool causing the tree branches to dance and bow in the invisible currents of fresh air. The coolness on my skin, the absolute peacefulness of morning is one of the best moments I can imagine. It's so peaceful, not a sound in the world but the birds and breeze, sometimes an occasional church bell, or a train rumbling down the tracks, which add to the wonder of these magic moments. But not a sound of any other man-made thing, not a car, not a plane, nothing. My homemade chai is so comforting and warms me from the inside out, body and soul, and I have my macbook so I can write my inspiration. And even though I am night and day different from my dad and the rest of my family I love my dad so much that just having a chance to be here with him, to go to the Greek church that I grew up in as a child with him on Sunday's, knowing my brother is not far away, that alone almost makes being in Texas worth it. The darkness slowly fades to light, morning is coming, a new day is here. And each new day is a chance for a fresh start.
Avanti

Morning
Doves cooing, birds calling, cool breeze blowing against my hair and skin. Deep breathing fresh, clean air, exhaling relaxation from the core of my belly. Swift-moving, pearl-gray clouds filling the bowl overhead. Trees swaying in the wind like slow motion poetry against the sky. Imperial green tea rising from my belly up my spine into a center in my brain. A feeling of of contentment, peace, an inner excitement at all that is yet to come. Morning in Texas. I never thought that of all the places in the world I would feel so much peace and promise of the future, such simple clarity, sitting in a backyard in Texas.
Avanti! I decide. We each decide for ourselves, no one else.

The Cottage
2 AM, a dark, shadowy Film Noir setting. Humid, sultry wind, palms throwing wildly dancing shadows to a soundtrack of pounding waves. We arrive at the old wooden beach cottage on the Gulf Coast. Inside, drinking wine all night, talking about France, listening to the waves pounding the shore and the wind rattling the palm fronds, waiting for morning, to surf.
Morning. A boat ride to a barrier island. Dolphins, sea turtles, the two of us surfing alone in chaotic shoulder high waves. Evening, fresh fish pan fried in lemon butter and homemade key lime pie. This is Texas surfing.
The world is an open book and anything is possible. Life waits at your feet to offer itself.

The River
Night. The pale pearl moon, nearly full, comes into view through the branches of the tall cypress trees that line the banks of the flowing Guadalupe River. Branches reaching out over the running water, their thick, graceful trunks ending in a flaringing base of beautifully serpentine roots rising up from the earth. The night is cool and breezy. I am completely at peace here in nature, skipping pebbles, sitting in silence, watching the trees and moon, feeling the breeze in my hair; I can smell the sweet water. I long to be back in the heart of nature, I long to lay down and pass the entire night here, beside the river, under the trees and stars in the Texas sky. The night passes and I cannot tear myself away from this perfect moment, like a living haiku.

Wine of the Week
As a lover of red wine and dark chocolate this is a rare recommendation from me, but it's so excellent ti would be unfair not to pass it on. This is a biodynamic, all natural wine from a highly respected estate in France and is just superb.

Domaine Leflaive, Bourgogne, 2004.

With baguette, roasted chicken and brigante cheese. Just say yes!

To get a better sense of how special this estate is visit their site:
http://www.leflaive.fr/en/

One Enchanted Evening
Glittering full moon, rising blood orange over the pale lavender Texas hill country. Washed by the wind, we lie on our backs on billion year old bedrock granite, uplifted and raised high above the rest of the Texas hill country into a giant, pink granite dome. Magic radiates from this surreal, pulsating rock. High above the world we drive the dome like a starship across the universe. The strong wind washes over warm granite and warm body. The top of the dome is an oasis of ecotones, pockets of green grasses and reeds, wildflowers and pools of water, a jagged tree, like discrete tiny islands on a pink granite moonscape, each a unique wonderland, like jewels of sublime and infinite beauty arranged by a master zen hand on this living rock. The beauty is so overwhelming that simply to be there is at once inspiring to my sense of greatness, to be one with the stars, and also narcotic, mesmerizing and utterly peace inducing, joy inducing.
The prelude to this evening on this magical rock was a day spent losing ourselves in the heart of the uniquely beautiful Texas hill country, in the sweet Texas heat, tasting our way from winery to winery, and eating real Texas barbecue in a real Texas town deep in the hill country.
Life moves forward, time ticks away. Ever closer, ever closer to the coming mystery.

Life
Life is not something you are going to start living one day when you are ready and prepared; once you've got enough degrees or saved enough money, or retired. Your life is what you've been living every day and every minute since you were born. *This* *is* your life. And it's almost gone. How are you living *your* life?

Argentina Style
At 10:30 PM on the loveliest Texas night you could imagine I am making hemp seed and coconut croquettes with wild mushrooms, getting quickly but unintentionally drunk on white wine (I needed one cup for the recipe; and I couldn't bear to waste the rest of the bottle) while watching a 1938 Myra Loy and Clark Gable film, "Too Hot to Handle", Loy at the peak of her success, alone in my family's house in Texas. Dinner at 11 PM, just like Argentina. Life, simply because it is, is good.


Lucid Morning
My God what a lucid morning. I am floating in my Merida hammock, drinking imperial green tea out of a chipped porcelain cup and I could not possibly feel happier. The warmth and aroma of the tea is heaven.To the west gray morning clouds are smeared like a Rorschach across the clear sky. Doves are cooing around me in every direction in a surround sound symphony of relaxing peace. Squirrels are running in the branches and doves playing chase over my head. Above me the leaves of the trees quiver in the fresh cool wind that blows gently and beautifully bringing the branches to life and caressing my skin.

And most amazing is that I am not 3000 miles away in some exotic, foreign land, or in the heart of nature, but in my own backyard. And that I don't have to drive 70 miles to fill up bottles with drinking water, or hike into the desert to dig a hole to use the bathroom, or worry about what disease is coming next. Only thirty feet away from all this wonderful nature is my home, with bathroom, kitchen, fridge, climate control. Amazing. It is nearly impossible to describe the natural happiness and joy I feel, the peace and contentment, simply by being here, now, in this perfect moment. And it is right outside my door.

How wonderful is life when I open my eyes to the beauty of nature and the peace that is here all along, in front of me.

My Dearest Angel
(this is a long letter Thea, but I would really appreciate it if you would take your time and read all of it, you may even want to print it and read it as a letter. especially the last few paragraphs are important.) ;-)

My dearest Angel, Thea,

On a morning like this, who but you, would I want to write to and share my heart with? ;-) none other. Such a morning of joy to share. I woke up smiling and began to pray, still lying in bed, full of thanks. Life is not about *what* you *do*, it's about how you *feel* inside. You might be doing the most adventurous things ever and not being happy, or you might be doing the most mundane things ever and feeling so content and waking up smiling. Like me right now in my life. As for this moment, your eponymous goddess is here with me as I am making jasmine pearl blossom tea. The fragrance is divine, as are you my dear. This is an organic tea, hand rolled with silvery jasmine blossoms into little pearls that open up to budding little blossoms when the water is added at just the right temperature to bring out the perfection of this gift. How metaphorically similar to you who are so rare and ripe and ready to blossom with just the right conditions to bring out your perfection, you gift to the world. The aroma is narcotic and the flavour is like a subtle perfume.

My sweet one, I have so much I want to write you this morning. It is pre-dawn, birds singing, doves cooing, the pale clouds against a pearl grey sky are blotted on the sky like watercolor on wet paper. I am at peace and happy, so happy to be able to write you and so happy, oh so happy, that you are in my life my little angel Thea.

So much to tell, where to begin? I am completely engaged in the program I am creating for my birthday, June 3rd, this coming Wednesday. Instead of simply taking the notes from all my past programs and reassembling them into a new program, which would be perfectly logical, in classic Phoenix style, (never doing it the easy way) I am creating a completely new program. I have stacks of ayurveda and yoga books around me in huge piles which of course remain unopened because I know this inside me like I were a living encyclopedia on these subjects. But having the books there somehow adds to the overall feeling of preparedness. My strategy for teaching programs (and lecturing for that matter) is to completely prepare down to each word, exactly what I will say or do, to perfection, to minute detail. And once that has all been prepared, each word written, every nuance planned and prepared for, I simply get up and say whatever flows through me in the moment leaving all the plans behind. But without the exacting preparation I can never feel free to stand up and let it all go and do whatever comes through me. It's a case of needing to be prepared in order to let go and be spontaneous.

I have been spending every moment working on the new program and it is amazing. AMAZING! I am so pleased with it. It's a brand new creation. It is comprehensive, complete, simple, seemingly easy and simple and yet rich and full of depth. Perfect for the beginner or the advanced practitioner for that matter. Truly, this program is a work of art and perfection, I have to admit it; it's beautiful and perfect.

When I get up and teach it it will seem so casually done to the audience who will have no idea the hours of intensity and focus that went in to this creation. I cover all the topics an average person would need to create a lifestyle, just for them, of health and balance. The program is a synthesis of different practices and traditions, ayurveda of course, yoga, Tibetan Buddhism, Natural Healing, tantra, and so on. It includes a lifestyle plan, diet, (even recipes)--it's a complete lifestyle package for all people, average people, who want to create health and happiness, peace, and prevent disease in the future. It is an absolute labour of love and spontaneous creation and creativity and it is a gift, the money all goes to a worthy cause that I feel is sustainable and empowering to the community. I decide where the money goes and 100% of it goes to do good and sustainable good.

I love you so much. ;-) Just writing to you inspires my heart and my being with a creative joy and passion and a vibrant desire to create, to live, to be, to be me, to share all that I have and am for the good of others. You have no idea what your love and compassion has done for my life. I have no words, no real understanding and sadly no really etched memory of the day that something melted between us and you sat in my lap and we cried and something beautiful was born, released, healed, but in my life that kind of connection has been and will be so absolutely and preciously rare. To find and merge with a kindred spirit. ;-) Sweet Thea.

I am making the second wash of tea, I am feeling the sweet waves of warmth and energy that are released in me as the first wash spreads through my being. My dad just got up now and is making waffles for us, with blueberries and whipped cream--this is our Saturday morning tradition. I love my dad so much; I don't think there could be a better dad in the world really. Despite the fact that we are absolute opposites in 'political' and worldly views, my dad is such a good man and loves me so much. He has no money yet he would do anything for me. My dream is to get money somehow so I can pay off his mortgage and he can live here and work on the house and yard for the rest of his life, the way he loves to do.

Now, my sweetness, more things to share with you as the doves are cooing around me in choruses and symphonies and even the mosquitoes that are biting all the exposed skin on my arms make me smile and simply breathe them away. ;-) (time to pour the next wash)

I want to share with you all the things that are happening, all my dreams and 'schemes' for now and the future. What a joy it is to write to you. Above all people, you are the one that I find the greatest, by far, satisfaction in sharing my life and feelings with. ;-)

Here are some thoughts--I am supposed to start the research job in Big Bend National Park on June 7th, but I have stalled on taking my drug test, (I will take it Monday) hoping that this will delay the paperwork enough to push me back to the next pay period before I can start--June 21. This would give me in effect three more weeks here to see if the job I've applied for here comes through for me. The benefits of getting the job here would be that it is two government ratings higher than the Big Bend job, so much better for my NPS 'career' and pays 4 bucks an hour more, which is a lot more when added over six months. It also means I'd be here for six months and could teach workshops on a regular basis and become known here and rebuild my career in the healing arts (I have already been asked to teach another workshop at a different place in town on June 14th) ;-)
Also by living here for six months I'd be able to go to church every Sunday with my dad (you have to understand that Greek Orthodox church is not like going to church in the ordinary way; it's more of being part of the Greek culture and community, which is a fun thing for a man without a home or country--it's like returning to my childhood roots and memories.) So I am stalling on Big Bend hoping the job here comes through in time.

On to more exciting ideas: I also applied for a job with the Defense Language Institute (the Department of the Defense) which is hiring here and talked to the director. This job is for the government and pays a huge amount of money (63K) and has full benefits, comes with three months of paid training and has the potential to send me all over the world teaching English for the govt, all expenses paid, and their two main branches are here in San Antonio and.. Ta Da! In Monterrey CA, near Santa Cruz. In order to insure getting this job I am considering getting my MA in linguistics and TEFL here at UTSA, that would take a year or so of hard work but would almost guarantee me the job and with DLI, it would also mean a masters in linguistics which could lead to international jobs and earning real money.

I feel like it's time for a shift in my ever-changing life. I have had several years of this latest phase of my life that you have known me in--the specific kind of Burning Man, off to India, down to Baja, up and down the coast lifestyle that I love. But that was a phase. Before that there have been infinite other phases. Without change, without point and counter point, what is life? So now a phase of earning and saving a lot of money, working hard to create the programs that I was born to teach and the thing I do best in the world, getting a new degree for the challenge of it and the jobs and potential it can lead to, being home for a year around my dad and church and near my brother--this could be a good thing for me now.

As always, because of so many unknown and unpredictable factors I can't say what will happen in the very near future. Will I get the job here, allowing me to stay for six months and earn money and teach my programs here? Will I not get it and then go to Big Bend for six months of research and whatever that may lead to and where it may take me, perhaps back to my seasonal nomadic lifestyle. Will being away from surfing for so long be bad for me, or will I find ways to cope and new physical outlets to stay in shape? Will I enroll in the MA in linguistics and will that lead to the DLI job and a whole new chapter in my life of earning money and saving money and buying my dad's house off for him to live in, of traveling/teaching internationally for a while, or maybe falling in love and having a family? Who knows my dearest Thea. All I know is I am full of happiness and joy at the promise of life and that means the promise and challenge of creating, or becoming, or giving.

For me the joy of the promise of life really means the joy of being all that I am, the challenge of overcoming whatever internal obstacles (for really there are no external obstacles) that hold me back from giving and being 100% all that I am. The promise of life means finding the moment in time and in my self to actualize who I am, my deepest gifts, my flow of creativity and harness that into something manifest and tangible, out of an act of love, that benefits the world. Not an act motivated by how to make money or a profit, but a spontaneous act of pure creative brilliance, the gift the universe has infused me with so that it can come forward and be shared back with the universe. You see, I am talking about the very light of the universe, the light of consciousness, that *is* the universe itself, being reflected back to the universe, by itself, in the form of this human shell, this mortal coil, as the universe shines and illuminates its own light back to itself in an act of spontaneous, creative love for the joy of being, of becoming, of humanity striving, yet effortlessly and with effort at the same time, the creative tension of creating something that radiates light from out of the murk of the human tissue and chaotic turmoil of the ego, back into pure light into the universal consciousness itself for the simple purpose of that's who we are, that's what we are--we are very simply, the expression of the universal light shining onto itself, expanding, evolving back to itself as pure creative energy of love and light. That is what we are. And to *be* that, even by instinctual nature, even if not by clear understanding, is to be theanthropic--'man', human, realizing, radiating divinity, light, creative light. That *is* what we are--a creative energy that is light, that is love, that expands and shines a light so that we all become aware of who we are, we know ourselves as our true selves--evolving, creative light of love.

So my most precious Thea. Morning has broken and my appetite is raging. Time for waffles and work! Today my sweet one I am going to Austin to attend a kirtan and to meet with two different harmonium/chanters to learn more new chants for my kirtan on Wednesday. (The first half is the workshop and the second half is the kirtan where i will chant and play harmonium, publicly for the first time. ;-)

Thank you for a beautiful morning Thea, there is no one else I could have written this to and for but you, and this happens often with me for you. You see how you inspire me and what you have done for me? There is no way to thank you for it, but you see it I hope. it is because of who you are--your intellect that can comprehend and understand what I want to tell you, and your sensibility and sensitivity to appreciation and understand what I am telling you and what it means to me and your compassionate love and unconditional loving nature that makes me trust you and rest in your peace and beauty. Because your life is to give to others, you make me want to give to you. You are at once and the same time mother, daughter, lover, friend, sister, soulmate, goddess, earth mother, divine mother, unconditional love, priestess, seductress, intellectual, child, woman, wise crone, innocent child, keeper of secrets and bearer of the torch, holder of the golden chalice.

You are my friend and I love you the same way I love the sunset and sunrise, the moon and cool, scented jasmine breezes just before dawn, I love you the way I love the feel of the ocean caressing my body like silk, I love you the way i love a baby who smiles when i take it in my arms and feel the living warmth of its life and shower it with unconditional love. when i think of you my heart knows only happiness, never jealousy, never wanting to possess or have, only a joy at connection and a pure wanting to give and share. for me, you are the one who is next in this invisible lineage and who it is my destiny to hand what i know to and to transmit my sacred energy to, to anoint you with it so that it flows in you and opens your eyes and nadis so that you can carry on to the next generations this evolution of creative energy that is light and love. You truly are my muse Thea, there is no denying that.

;-) wow. smiles and hugs to you,

Electric Sky

***My body is so full of ecstatic and exquisite energy right now, what a pity you are not here to drink it in you and let it fill you, how strong is my shakti now, like building waves, how sad not to be able to let you drink it, to let you sit with a straight spine and drink from this bottomless well of shakti and energy and unconditional love so that it goes up your spine, fills your heart, breaks open your defenses and veils and fills you with trembling, shaking, overcoming bliss and ecstasy. How sad not to be able to share this gift with you so that you can in return send it back in to me so that I can drink it and get the healing benefit of my own shakti married to your cooling feminine goddess healing energy that I can never know without your sharing it. I have only half of the ring; the other lies in your feminine mystery goddess. You have no idea the strength of the shakti that is pulsing in me right this moment, a real, living, channel of energy right this minute so powerful and ready to move up from me into you to fill you and transport you, to fill you so that your ego melts and your walls come crashing down and you are naked and exposed as pure loving, living goddess energy, shaking and alive with this uncontrollable energy as it moves in to you and opens you in ways that only its wisdom mingled and in union and harmony with your divine goddess wisdom can know. Where are you?

How sad to have this gift inside me and not be able to share it with you. How I want to hold the cup to your lips and let you drink this fire so that it burns you and heals you and fills you with sizzling light. A dove approaches me as I write this. This is a first here in the backyard. To be approached by a dove. and it happens in this moment, as I write to you about this descending light from above and this rising light from inside me into you. and the dove can only be a metaphor for this light, for peace, compassion, unconditional love and healing, for evolution and divinity. More doves are coming now, now strange. Simply to think of you deeply is enough to ignite the fire that lies inside me, ready to burn to life to be shared when the time is right. you my muse, ignite me to passion and to share this fire with you so that it can become yours. You are the treasure, you will be the next generation. ;-)

yummy, is that the waffles talking? ;-) love and hugs sweet one.

back to work for me. ;-) I smell jasmine now from the blossoms in the yard and the air is cool. Thea, come find me soon. Let's spend a few days together and I will give you a whirlwind tour of all that is the best in the magical Texas hillcountry from wine tasting to a giant pink granite dome in the full moon light, to making music, to botanical gardens, to magic picnics to roller coasters, to yoga workshops and chanting and i will give you gifts that only you can receive and you will give me the gift of healing by receiving. ;-)

with love and smiles and happiness....and a passion that only you ignite in my kindred spirit.

Early in the Morning
Before dawn I pick fresh mint leaves from the garden. Bringing fresh water almost to a boil in a steel pot, I turn off the heat and drop them in along with three crushed cardamom pods and seeds, a teaspoon of the special Assam tea from India, and two teaspoons of turbinado sugar and let it steep for three minutes. Drinking the tea in the backyard breathing in the fresh, sweet, cool morning air, I smile at the new day and the promise and challenge of the work of creation ahead of me.

And then as a surrogate to surfing and desperate for a form of exercise I slip into my running shoes and slip out into the early morning as quiet as a ghost. Near our house there is a swath cut across the 'landscape' to accommodate the power lines that march across the land. This is the only thing that can remotely be called 'nature' and here I run along on grass and earth, between rows of wooden fences on either side where dogs bark at me. It saddens me in counterpoint because it causes me to recall just how beautiful nature is and how far removed from it I am here, but it is exercise and it is the only thing I have. And so, thirty minutes later, sweating and feeling good and tired, I return home, fresh blood pumping in my brain, to start my busy day of planning and preparation for the Forever Young program on my birthday.

Somewhere out there, far away, is beautiful nature, the ocean, the mountains, meadows and countryside, forests, somewhere out there there are beautiful towns and architecture, friends and people I love. But for now, my destiny, and my challenge, at least for a while, is here.

Avanti!

Ghost of Birthdays Past
It's my birthday. Five AM, raining and cool. Perfect. I sit in the backyard in the dark and listen to the rain falling softly and shiver in the cold. With my bamboo whisk I make fresh matcha tea as a special birthday treat. My birthday and New Year's eve and morning have been the two most important 'holidays' for me for many years now and I always try to do something special with the person I love the most on my birthday. This one will be special because I will be leading a kirtan and ayurvedic workshop. I have only laid my eyes on the one I love the most once in the last three and a half years.

Because I have spent most of my life traveling I have had birthdays in eclectic locations. Here are some:

Two years ago I celebrated my birthday in a hot air balloon with champagne and a friend in the sky over New Mexico. The year before that in the Big Sur mountains with the one I do love the most; she brought me an ice cream cake all the way from the Sierra Nevada and cried when it had melted in the heat. I kissed her tears and made her laugh and we made love in the shade under the redwoods.

Going back chronologically in time from then: Sleeping beside Mono Lake in the soft moonlight with a friend to the sound of gently lapping waves all night and waking up my birthday morning for sunrise over the Sierra, the home of my heart and making chai on a camp stove. Hiking across the Czech Republic tired and alone and Jana taking the train from Prague to surprise me in Chesky Krumlov, the most beautiful town in the world, on my birthday with a birthday cake below the castle in the moonlight and then taking me to Paris for 48 hours. Two birthdays in a row were spent in the Copper Canyon, Mexico, camped out on top of the mesas, doing field work for my MS in geology. Before that in the Sierra Nevada as a climbing guide for Southern Yosemite Mountain Guides, a big party with a fire and live music, and grilled jalapenos. Before that, climbing Mount Greylock, MA on the full moon with Kimberly and dancing all night under the moon in the meadows and climbing the next day in Rumney, NH with Leigh. Hiking across Turkey, sleeping in ruins by the ocean. On Lago Atitlan, Guatemala. On the beach in Curu, Costa Rica. Living for a month rock climbing at Joshua Tree with Francesca, on my birthday a big celebration and fire and dancing with our climbing posse. A fifty mile bike ride through the Santa Monica mountains. A full moon climb with overnight bivy on Sugarloaf in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil with my friend Eduardo. In my cabin in El Bolson, Patagonia, in the heart of a frozen South American winter with my pet hummingbird and a letter from Constanza. In Costa Rica, on a beach, far, far away from everything with a guitar and friend from England. Sailing on Coronado Island, AWOL. In the Philippines, in the heart of the jungle, 'working' with the NPA.

Life is an amazing thing; a roller coaster ride that just does not stop. I made a birthday wish when I woke up. With all my heart I wished to be back with the one I love. I am what is called a 'hopeless romantic'. But if you don't ask for what you want, you'll never get it. Life is indeed amazing and right now I am on the cusp, or it seems so, of a brand new life. Again.

Avanti!!!

A Dream Descended
Since I was young, I followed my life from dream to dream. The dream would descend out of the blue, and I would find a way to create it, then move on to the next dream--my life was a flowing chain of dreams that led to creating passionate projects. Looking back now I wonder if some of them succeeded simply because I was too naive to know they couldn't.

They were about creating something to make the world a better place.--a dream to give deaf kids an opportunity to develop a love for nature that lead to creating the outdoor education program at the State School for the Deaf in Austin; a dream to stop deforestation in the rain forest--created the community naturalist guide training programs for subsistence farmers in Costa Rica; a dream to help save Kripalu--created the Men's Vision Quest, and so on.

Somewhere the well of dreams became dormant. The desire to find a way to make the world a better place lingered, but the dreams weren't coming. I feared the fire had died.

Life is amazing. The 'way things work' is subtle. My experience is they work according to the fundamental principle that when you really want something badly, with all your heart, and then ask for it specifically, by name, the universe mobilizes and it is already speeding towards you. Having a vague 'want' isn't enough.

In some ineffable way, when a person wants something badly enough, focuses on it and asks for it, they create an energy, set up a vibration in the patterns of vibration that make up this universe, that causes that thing to become available to them if they continue to do the work to manifest it. (As long as it is something that the universe 'agrees' with.) My experience is the power of the human 'mind', or thought, or consciousness itself, is the subtlest, yet most powerful force in the universe for us to make things happen, set events into motion, create openings for things to manifest--if we follow up with the work needed to manifest them, and if our intention and want is in alignment with what the universe allows. I use anthropomorphic allusions for lack of a fitting vocabulary.

Crossing the desert, in March, a dream descended, out of the blue, and grew quickly; it was grand in scope, depth and scale. It filled me with passion and took on a life of its own, evolving and maturing as I drove. The dream was to create a non profit organization called Global Vision to bring health to the average American and peace to the world, creating healing programs and music performances and donate the money to local and global empowering and sustainable causes. The project would activate Americans to sustained health and world peace.

Arriving in Texas, I had a dream but nothing else. No job, no mainstream job skills, no money, and no contacts.

And then, as always, it happened, like magic--Once I asked. But not until I asked. I asked with all my heart for an answer, out of desperation perhaps. And it came so quickly it was stunning. The flood gates were opened again and the water of vision, passion, creation, openings, was flowing. It would not have happened if I had not asked, specifically, for what I wanted and began actually taking steps, doing the work, to try and achieve my goal. Once I asked for help the universe opened doors and the opportunity was there. Then, its simply a matter of hard work and perseverance.

The first program in the Forever Young series was a success. The kirtan was a success. And now I have a studio base to create and share and donate the money to the causes I believe in. The dream came true, once again.

I say Yes to life! I say Yes to creation, to creativity! I say Yes to dreams and living life larger than just surviving! I say Yes, Yes, Yes! I believe that if you have a dream to make the world a better place and fulfill your heart's passion, and you ask and you do the work--then you will be fulfilled! Dream on! Live on! Flame on!

Avanti!!!

Yoshimi Battles the Robots
Saturday morning, in the cool breezes, drinking tea, feeling barely alive. Some changes have come. Monday I started a temp job grading bi-lingual English tests for $13.25 an hour. Since then my life has been: Get ready for work at 6 AM, drive 30 minutes on the freeway to work, stare at a computer screen all day, drive thirty minutes home, eat, fall asleep, repeat. It is a robotic existence and leaves no time or energy for the things in life that I love or that matter. I see why I have never done this before; because for me this isn't living at all; it's a pointless, robotic existence, like a hamster on a wheel. Yet at the same time I feel a contentment in that I am working to achieve something new in my life.

The other side of the coin: There is a reason I am doing this. I could be in Alaska or Big Bend right now, doing research for the National Park Service, living in nature as usual, saving 10K over the summer to go surf for the winter and do what I love. But I feel it's time for a new pattern. I am aiming for a new season in my life, a change in lifestyle. I have applied to a masters program in TESL here in San Antonio. I may be hired by the National Park Service here for a position that pays 20 dollars an hour that will put me through grad school.

The reason for this masters degree is that I believe it will get me a job with the Defense Language Institute making about 50K a year and allow me to travel all over the world, or be stationed back home in Monterrey, California, teaching English. This would no longer be the same, 'work for the NPS in the summer, surf all winter, go to Burning Man and do what I want' lifestyle of nomadic freedom. But it could be a lifestyle that allows me to live in one place, where I could surf and build a life, and earn a decent income doing a job I enjoy. That is the goal--a new season in my life.

The other piece is that being here in Texas, although the last thing I would have expected or dreamed I'd ever do, allows me to be near my father and brother, to go to the Greek church with my dad every Sunday, to establish and grow my yoga, ayurveda, holistic health programs and to chant and perform kirtan. And it gives me a sense of stability for the first time in years. A sense of waking up in the same place every day, of having patterns and habits.

Life is a trade-off at times, island hopping through the sea of life on my voyage, navigating without a map or compass toward the 'ideal'. The bottom line really is that it the journey *is* the destination. This is just one leg of the a life-long cruise, and it's OK to run this passage in order to get to the not so distant shore that lies ahead where I can sink my flag and claim this beach as mine.

Avanti!